Mental Health Mondays #19: F**k Being Strong All The Time

Honestly, I just need a hug.

There’s this thing people love to say to me when I’m going through something hard: “Zerlina, you’re so strong.”

And honestly? I’m tired of hearing it. Actually, I hate hearing it. And I hate that from the outside everyone thinks I’m so strong and resilient. Because on the the inside I’m crying and crumbling.

Throughout my life I’ve been told I’m so strong. I’ve also been told that I’m so poised. Or that I can come across as aloof. The people who said these things didn’t mean it in a bad way. But I realized that the people who said these things don’t really know or see the soul that is housed in my human shell. They only see what’s on the outside, but they don’t see beyond that.

So…what if I don’t want to be strong right now? What if I’m tired of being the one that holds everything together while everyone else is falling apart? What if I’m exhausted? What if I’m still grieving losses old and new? What if I’m done performing composure and poise just to make other people comfortable? What if I’m already in pieces?

For me personally, “strong” is the mask I wear. So is poise. I always look “put together.” This is not real, it's a performance I’m putting on and it’s only recently when I decided that I am going to stop trying to look and be perfect. I want to be a little messy because sometimes that messiness on the outside is what matches my emotional state on the inside.

This “strong” mask is one that Black women in particular are expected to wear no matter what life throws at us. It becomes a survival skill that gets mistaken for our personalities or in the worst case scenarios what people identify as a “bad attitude” or some type of hostility. But this is the mask that helps us survive a world that is hostile to us. I’ve come to realize that survival isn’t the same as living or thriving. And pushing through isn’t always a badge of honor. Pushing through it without receiving care or support or the space to be a bit messy is a form of a trauma response.

I don’t need to be strong right now. I get to fall apart. I’ve never been free to be a little bit of a mess. I’ve never felt free to get the support and the care from my friends, family, and my community because I’m always the one who is playing the performance of looking pretty and poised.

Because there is no healing without breaking and walking through the darkness in order to confront what comes up to the surface. When I finally stopped forcing myself to hold it all together, I created space and daily practice to actually feel my feelings. What a concept!

So let’s all be a little bit of a mess together and stop trying to be so poised and perfect all of the time. That is a standard that we’ve been fed that isn’t serving us. We need to be seen as vulnerable so our “strong” mask falls down and our communities know that we need support and maybe a hug. I need a hug.

Community Question:

What “mask” are you wearing? And what do YOU need right now?